Why Your Resilience Isn't About Being Tough—It's About Getting Curious

The #1 predictor of resilience isn't strength. It's your ability to think differently about difficult situations. Here's how.

Resilience training.

I spent years thinking resilience meant being tough.

Bouncing back from problems without flinching. Pushing through difficulty without feeling it. Moving forward no matter what.

That's not resilience. That's avoidance wearing a tough-guy mask.

Real resilience is different. It's the ability to get knocked down and actually learn something from it. To face a difficult person or situation and think differently about it. To adapt mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally.

Here's what research consistently shows: The #1 predictor of resilience isn't how strong you are. It's how curious you can get about a difficult situation.

Not "How do I solve this?" or "How do I survive this?"

But "What's this situation trying to teach me? What's happening here that I don't understand? What would change if I looked at this differently?"

That's resilience.

And it's a skill you can build starting today.

What Resilience Actually Is

The Definition Nobody Talks About

Resilience is defined as: "The ability to successfully adapt to stress, adversity, and change, with emotional, mental, and behavioral flexibility."

Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say:

• "The ability to not feel anything"

• "The ability to push through without breaking"

• "The ability to always come out on top"

What it actually says is the ability to adapt.

That's huge. Because it means resilience isn't about being unaffected by difficulty. It's about being flexible in the face of difficulty.

Let me give you an example:

You're a college student with test anxiety. For years, you've studied hard and done okay, but you still panic before exams.

The non-resilient approach: You keep studying harder, ignore the anxiety, and hope it goes away. (Spoiler: it doesn't.)

The resilient approach: You notice the anxiety. You recognize that it's real. But instead of being controlled by it, you ask: "What's causing this? What does my anxiety know that I don't? How can I work with this instead of against it?"

Maybe you realize you study differently when you're calm. Maybe you realize you've never actually asked your professor for help. Maybe you realize you're trying to be perfect instead of just passing.

Once you see these things, you can change your approach. Not because you're "tougher," but because you're thinking differently about the situation.

That's resilience.

And here's what's really cool: You can train this. You can build this skill.

The Science of Curiosity and Resilience

Why Getting Curious Actually Changes Your Brain

Here's something most people don't know: When you shift from judgment to curiosity, your brain physically responds differently.

Let me explain the neuroscience:

When you encounter a difficult situation—a rude email, a conflict with a coworker, a rejection—your brain has two possible responses:

Response 1: Threat Response (Amygdala Hijack)

• Your amygdala (fear center) activates

• Your cortisol (stress hormone) spikes

• You go into fight/flight/freeze mode

• You either defend yourself, run away, or shut down

• You're not thinking clearly. You're surviving.

Response 2: Curiosity Response (Prefrontal Cortex Engagement)

• Your prefrontal cortex (thinking center) activates

• You pause before reacting

• You get curious: "What's happening here?"

• You literally have access to more of your brain

• You can think strategically and creatively

The difference? A single shift in your thinking.

When you move from "This person is attacking me" to "I wonder what's driving this person's behavior," your entire neurological response changes.

Research on social pain shows something striking: The same part of your brain that registers physical pain also registers emotional pain. When you feel rejected or excluded or misunderstood, it actually hurts in a physical way.

But here's the key finding: When you get curious about why someone is behaving a certain way, the pain centers in your brain literally calm down.

You're not ignoring the pain or being tough. You're reframing it in a way that your brain can process.

This is why curiosity is the #1 predictor of resilience.

The Three Questions That Build Resilience

How to Get Curious When Your Instinct Is to Panic

When you're facing a difficult person or situation, your instinct is usually:

• Judge them (He's so rude)

• Defend yourself (I'm not like that)

• React (Let me prove them wrong)

• Withdraw (I'm done with this)

None of these are resilience. They're normal, but they're not resilience.

Resilience looks like: Getting curious instead.

Here are three questions to shift into curiosity mode:

Question 1: "Can you help me understand?"

When someone does something that bothers you, pause and ask this. It signals:

• You're not attacking them

• You want to understand their perspective

• You're open to learning something

• You're treating them with respect

This question almost always lowers defensiveness. Even if someone was being difficult, this question helps them see that you're genuinely trying to understand.

Question 2: "Can you say more about that?"

When someone explains something, don't assume you understand. Ask them to elaborate.

Why? Because there's almost always more context. The person who won't admit they're wrong might have a reason you don't know about. The person making a "stupid" suggestion might have insight you're missing.

When you ask "Can you say more?" you're signaling that you want the full picture before you judge.

Question 3: "What's the most important thing you want me to remember?"

This question reframes the entire conversation around their core need instead of your defensiveness.

It gets to the heart of what matters to them.

Try these three questions. Notice how the conversation shifts. Notice how people respond differently when you're curious instead of defensive.

That's resilience in action.

Building Relational Resilience

Why You Can't Be Resilient Alone

Here's something critical that most resilience training misses: You cannot build true resilience in isolation.

The research is clear: Relational support is so important in resilience.

When you feel supported by others, understood by others, cared for by others—you become more resilient.

But here's what's broken: Most people don't have anyone they can be truly real with.

According to recent research, 40% of young adults report significant loneliness. Not just being alone, but feeling unknown.

Here's what I mean: You can have lots of friends but still feel like nobody really gets you. You can have a strong family but still feel like you can't be fully honest with them. You can have a great job but still feel like you're performing instead of being yourself.

That's the real crisis.

Because resilience isn't built in isolation. It's built through:

• Someone who understands you

• Someone who listens without fixing

• Someone who accepts all of you, not just the polished version

• Someone who says, "I get it. That's hard," instead of "You'll be fine. Get over it."

Here's my suggestion: Build your resilience team.

Who in your life can you ask this question to: "Can you help me understand my own thinking here?"

That person—whether it's a friend, mentor, therapist, coach, or family member—is your resilience resource.

And if you don't have that person, find one. Talk to a counselor. Join a group. Find people who "get you."

This isn't weakness. This is how humans actually build resilience.

The Resilience Spiral (You Get to Decide if It Goes Up or Down)

How One Question Changes Everything

Here's a pattern I see over and over:

The Non-Resilient Spiral:

• Difficult situation happens

• You react defensively

• The other person reacts defensively

• Conflict escalates

• You feel worse

• Your resilience decreases

• The next difficulty feels harder

• You expect the worst to happen

The Resilient Spiral:

• Difficult situation happens

• You pause and get curious

• You ask: "Can you help me understand?"

• The other person feels heard and becomes less defensive

• You actually understand the situation

• You feel more capable

• Your resilience increases

• The next difficulty feels more manageable

• You expect challenges but feel equipped to handle them

Same situation. Different questions. Completely different outcomes.

The choice is yours.

Every time a difficult person or situation shows up—and they will, because that's life—you get to choose which spiral you're going into.

Non-resilient: React, defend, escalate, spiral down.

Resilient: Pause, get curious, understand, spiral up.

One question: "Can you help me understand?" can literally change the trajectory of your resilience.

Not just for that one conversation, but for your entire ability to bounce back from challenges going forward.

The Invitation

If you're struggling with resilience—whether it's in relationships, career, academics, or just life in general—you're not broken.

You just haven't yet learned how to get curious instead of reactive.

That's a skill. And skills can be built.

I work with college students and young professionals specifically on this. My breakout session "Split the Room" teaches personality types, but it goes deeper—it teaches you how to understand difficult people, how to navigate conflict, and how to build the relational resilience that actually sustains you.

Organizations and universities invite me to speak because this content changes how people show up in their relationships and their careers.

Ready to build your resilience? Reach out on LinkedIn or visit my speaking page to see how this works with your organization or campus. www.kellylippenholz.com

And remember: You're not broken. You just need to get more curious.

Rules of Resilience by Valorie Burton